This:

And here’s what I said about it:

Global Star’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory could have been a real trip to an amazing place — a melding of jaw-dropping artistic style and license success that would have been a journey with nothing to be directly compared to. There was a real chance for this game to be more then just another licensed game, a real chance for gamers to get a behind-the-scenes tour of the magic of Mr. Wonka’s factory were candy flows endlessly and wild imagination runs amuck.

Well…it’s not.

For anyone who knows that “licensed game” is a derogatory term, this review isn’t going to tell you anything you don’t already know. For parents looking for a game for your children, this isn’t it. Your children have better games already, and will resent you for making them “enjoy” the choppy graphics, nausea-inducing cameras, and lackluster gameplay. For everyone who is still interested in the tour, follow me as we go into Charlie and the Ridiculously Miserable Game.

The magic of Wonka’s factory was left in the chocolate waterfalls of Tim Burton’s movie and the pages of Roald Dahl’s book. What has been presented to the public isn’t a private trip through the Chocolate Factory; it’s a tour of duty as downtrodden, Oompa-Loompa slave labor. Hi, you play Charlie, and now you have to clean up everybody’s mess by ordering the questionably dark-skinned Oompa-Loompas to work while your bratty, malicious, fellow ticket-winners continue on with the fun and the tour.

Then I go ranting on for a couple of paragraphs, and ended with this:

The most depressing aspect of this below-average game is that it involved two personal childhood cult heroes: Tim Burton and Roald Dahl. I wanted to enjoy this game and was secretly hoping this would follow the licensed-sleeper successes of Riddick and GoldenEye 007. As I painfully maneuvered my Charlie from room to room, I grew more and more desperate in my attempt to find redeeming qualities in the game. So desperate that my “pro list” consisted of bullet points like “Charlie’s voice is done by the same actor from the movie,” “the controls are okay at best,” “the music is jaunty,” “this game is in color,” and finally, “at least this game doesn’t punch me in the face.”

Whole review is here, you know, if you feel like punishing yourself one day.

I think I’m going to start a Hall of Shame where I post some of the choice hate mail I receive and then review them. Here’s one for today, and I’m going to call this one “Nonsensical Warcraft Lapdance Slash Fic” written by DeathToEmoFatchicks who made an account on 1UP just to send me this lovely novella:

1UP.COM GROUPIE TELLS ALL!!: MY ONE NIGHT STAND WITH KAREN!

by DeathToEmoFatchicks

Posted: Tue, 27 Nov 2007 17:57:15 PST

It was three in the morning and I was signed on to World of Warcraft and I had just finished a Sunken Temple instance run and hearthed back to Storm Wind to fix my gear and collect myself after a difficult boss fight. Now, like at the end of most instance runs Im tired, irritable, famished, and surprisingly horny as hell and in need of release, so I jumped on to Trade chat and waved my flag of proposition. I typed “WTB a lap dance from a female character. Will pay 5g,” and sat patiently waiting for any taker. Interesting enough the first offer was from a character named Mentos,a Draenei Hunter, who I knew was Karen Chu from the Legendary Thread podcast, so I thought to myself “Well, I dont have yellow fever, but I do have Draenei fever, so you’ll do.”
And off we went to the Blue Recluse inn. I sat down in the chair and she was about to dismiss her pet when I said “No, I want it to watch.” So she started her dance emote and slowly taking off her gear. Every time she turned her back to me her tail brushed up against my chest, which is always freaking hot when a woman does that. I was almost done when I noticed her shoes, they were unmistakable. She was wearing Sandals of the Insurgent, leather shoes with +8 intellect and +20 Spirit, I was infuriated, I mean down right outraged. What the hell does she need those for!! She is a freakin Hunter!! Give them to a Mage or Paladin, dont be selfish like that. So I shot up right out of that chair and /slap the shit out of her. I mean I really gave it to her. I /spit on her as I walked out of there while she was kneeling on the floor crying. And now I refuse to group with Draenei Hunters, Karen really gave her people a bad image.

Review: What a tale, huh? Teeming with rich imaginative details and just enough of sexual commentary. The author clearly knows his way around Azeroth and has an extensive knowledge of my character except for the big glaring mistake that Mages can’t wear leather. Though I have to say, when DeathToEmoFatChicks started spewing out armor stats and placing the actual “/” symbol in, it really halted the natural flow of the narrative. But overall, it’s a creative stab at your usual hate mail. Kudos to originality.

Score: 8/10